This guide, written with tongue firmly in cheek, will help you to assemble a kit that should help you to survive under the Obama regime. We are making no guarantees though. Some of the dangers that you should be aware of under President Obama are:

• The OLA- The Obama Liberation Army; Barack’s band of armed civilians who will roam door to door, searching for anyone has a penny more than the poorest person in the country. They will be his armed IRS, spreading the wealth around until we are all poor bums living in the gutter.
• The Enviro-Nuts- When the country goes to hell, these dangerous groups of environmentalists will roam the country, viciously murdering anyone found to possess an incandescent light bulb.
• Your Doctor- Under Universal Health Care, he will become your worst enemy.
• The Ruskies (Russians)- When the government collapses, these guys are going to invade. Quality of life will probably improve considerably under them.

Now that you have been warned of the dangers, you must prepare yourself to face them. You will need the following items-

• Swiss Army Knife- self explanatory
• The Essentials- toilet paper, food, water, lighter, etc (get these yourself)
• Mi-24 Hind- Russian made flying tank. Useful for getting around. Add some heat suppressors to fool stinger missiles and you’ll be good to go. It’s also one of the few flying machines that won’t get shot down when the Ruskies invade.
• Russian Aircraft Carrier- Currently a theme park, this Soviet-era aircraft carrier is perfect for the lakefront property owner. Trailer not included.
• Russian Aircraft- for that carrier
• AK-47- your personal defense weapon. if you can, go for the automatic, though you may have to buy the semi and file down the firing pin.
• A Duck & a Scalpel- A knife-wielding quack is the best doctor you’ll be able to afford under the Obama health care plan.
• A Monkey & a Gun- If you have to eat the duck to survive, a monkey with a gun is your next best hope of semi-decent health care.
• Passport- Lets you turn the tables on those illegals and overstay your welcome in their country when the Ruskies invade.
• Pickup with a Minigun- Should allow you to intercept U.N. food conveys, allowing you to get more than just a gram of food a day. Note: you’ll have to mount the minigun to the truck on your own.
• Radiation Protection Suit- This suit may save your life come Armageddon. Oxygen supply not included.
• Zombie Survival Guide- This book will enable you to protect yourself from the OLA and Hillary.

Once you have these essential items, it’s time to move on to what you need to do to be able to survive the Obama regime. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

• Learn a foreign language. I highly recommend Russian, Iranian (Farsi), or Chinese, as these three countries will probably end up fighting over the United States. You’ll want to be able to plead with your new leaders for your life in their language, hopefully flattering them, and causing them to spare your life.
• Plant a tree. If you are foolish enough to possess an incandescent bulb, then this is the only thing that can stop the Enviro-Nuts from killing you. The sight of a new tree may distract them long enough for you to dispose of the offensive bulb, thus saving your life.
• Join the Christian Scientists. These guys think that only prayer can stop disease. Once you eat your monkey, this is your last hope.
• Build a Bomb Shelter- Your last hope, when the country finally implodes.

And now, on that happy note, good luck!

OK, I’m probably going to offend some people whose parents smoke but here goes. I really hate smoking. Lung cancer killed my grandmother. Ever since she died, my grandfather has become reclusive and hostile toward his children, my dad and aunt, and has now moved to Florida. Those cigarette companies don’t care about the lives they are destroying or the families they are tearing apart. Do you know what they put into those cigarettes? Here is a list, courtesy of this website.

Ammonia: Household cleaner
Angelica root extract: Known to cause cancer in animals
Arsenic: Used in rat poisons
Benzene: Used in making dyes, synthetic rubber
Butane: Gas; used in lighter fluid
Carbon monoxide: Poisonous gas
Cadmium: Used in batteries
Cyanide: Deadly poison
DDT: A banned insecticide
Ethyl Furoate: Causes liver damage in animals
Lead: Poisonous in high doses
Formaldehiyde: Used to preserve dead specimens
Methoprene: Insecticide
Megastigmatrienone: Chemical naturally found in grapefruit juice
Maltitol: Sweetener for diabetics
Napthalene: Ingredient in mothballs
Methyl isocyanate: Its accidental release killed 2000 people in Bhopal, India in 1984
Polonium: Cancer-causing radioactive element; a form of it was used to kill former Rusian spy Alexander Litvinenko

So, how does smoking a cigarette sound to you now?